I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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