i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
