Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
