new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
