she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
