Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
