hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
