It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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