I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
