Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
