Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
