just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
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He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
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I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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