My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
