Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We just shotgunned beers for America
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I got inside last night via doggy door
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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