I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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