My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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