Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I touched a dick in church today
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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