I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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