i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
