Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
