i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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