I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
