this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
