Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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