i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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