i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
