Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
