If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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