I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
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The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
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I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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