If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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