You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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