to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
