Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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