Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
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He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
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Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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