I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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