Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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