Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
When did angry sex become our thing?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
