OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
