I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
