i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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