There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
