i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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