I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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