ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
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He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
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We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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