Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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