Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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