i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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