Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I faked an abortion last night.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
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you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
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Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
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