She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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