I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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