alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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