Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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