oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
