saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
