I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
