I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
