my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Randomize
