I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
