If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
please don't ironically join a cult
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