i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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