if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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