I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
