I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
