I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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