Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
