I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
