i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
