I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
