for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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